Since my ex-husband and I had been separated for almost a year, I wanted to set up some kind of ceremony at the Devon Vihara to mark the spiritual ending of my marriage. I felt that such a rite of passage would help me to move on and facilitate a deeper letting go of the past. I also wanted to share the occasion with friends who have helped and supported me in the bereavement I have felt at the loss of my marriage.

The decision to organise such an occasion was made quite quickly as I realised that Ajahn Subbato, the senior monk, would be leaving the monastery in early June. I felt it important to have his support as he had been a spiritual friend to me and my family for ten years and he proved very positive about the proposed ceremony.

Together we decided how it would be conducted, and during the weeks beforehand, the preparations of finding suitable readings, inviting my friends, planning the transport and the food, digging up a tree from my garden all brought a lot of grief for me. It brought home to me that now was the time to let go of the past and to fully take on board that the close relationship I once had with my ex-husband was really over.

The day itself, in early May, was bright and sunny. About twelve of us gathered at the monastery to offer dana of a meal to the monks. An hour after the meal, we went into the shrine room where Ajahn Subbato led the monks in chanting blessings for myself, my sons, my ex-husband Maurice, and for all sentient beings, whilst I poured water into a bowl overflowing into another, symbolising the overflowing of blessings. (I later used this water in planting the tree). I then had the opportunity to say a few words:

"I wish to give thanks for the sixteen years of marriage I had to Maurice Walters, both for the happy times and the more difficult times and I a am grateful for having been able to keep my heart open to him. I give thanks too for the children that were created from that marriage and all the joy they have brought into our lives. I ask forgiveness from Maurice for any way I hurt him or caused him pain and unhappiness, whether intentionally or unintentionally, through body speech or mind. And I also forgive him for any way he hurt me or caused me pain and unhappiness through body, speech or mind.

I wish both Maurice and myself well-being and happiness for the future in our separate lives, and I accept that we are both released from our marriage commitment. I let go of the special relationship I felt we had together and I also let go of my dream about it."

I also shared two readings both given to me by friends and then Ajahn Subbato read from the beginning of the Dhammapada, gave a short Dhamma talk, sharing his reflections on the occasion, led the monks in chanting the part of the funeral service which deals with the teaching of impermanance which brought home to me the ending of my marriage.

As we went outside to plant a hawthorn tree in memory of the marriage I felt liberated and joyful. My friends helped by digging the hole and we all shared in the watering as we chanted the Buddha’s words on kindness. Then we walked to the pond and I threw in a beautiful red rose, picked that morning from my garden, before speaking these words from The Tao of Women by Pamela Metz and Jacqueline Tobin ‘Rhythms of Living’.

"The wise woman releases herself to the cycles and rhythms of living. She knows that all must end and is able to let go of all things.

There are not fantasies in her mind, no vanities in her body. She doesn’t contrive her behaviours; she acts from the seasons of her heart.She does not retreat from living; she is aware of her own mortality. She knows that a rose returns to the earth after its blossoms are spent."

I felt that everyone who shared the occasion was quite uplifted by it, many exclaiming their surprise at how happy a day it had been. For me it proved to be a lovely, happy, light, ceremony, enabling me to go more deeply and enter more fully into the present moment. I have felt quite different since then; much lighter and more joyful, as if I have dropped an old load and let go of a lot of sadness. I felt it had been a turning point.